ummm, Just decided to get rid of the poem. it wasn't as good as what I thought it was going to be.
But I know that I will be working on it cause I just cant stop thinking about it...!

So I am going to be working again real soon. That's great. The company that put all that money in me sending me to school. They are not happy. I wont be working for them. They still haven't given me any work for the year. Too bad for them.
Have been writing again. Not in the books but just plain ole poetry. Yeah yeah laugh if you want.....
I may post them here. Well at least if I get a request to. So, if ya want any poetry to read say the word and Ill start posting it here.
Since this profile thing is growing like a book in and of it self I may open a page on aol and post that kind of stuff there.
If any of you want to read other blogs I have just email me and I will let ya have my myspace page but only if I know you. No weirdos or strangers! wait...yer ALL weirdos! Ok no strangers!

Lost connection last night. Then the computer was crashing more than a broke down derby car. Obviously I got it back on now and running. STILL havent gotten the other computer up. This one needs a overhaul bad! The other one needs to be thrown into a vat of boiling oil and then peed on.
Anyhow am back up kinda but don't know for how long.
Hope yall had a great weekend.
Ok, I am putting pics back up
And for those that are shallow and most UN-knowing about what the F**K they are talking about. Maybe some day, yes, some day, you will get a life.
And yes you know who I am talking too. But to the person that knows me the best, thank you, you made me smile today and now I understand how I have been acting and I am sorry.
And yer still a brat!

Today I have had my first class of the week. So far so good. Covering stuff I know back words and forewords. Maybe half way through and it'll get hard. But I am still thinking I can get that 85% as a minimum. Doesn't matter about higher but I will still try my best to do my best. Just because that's the way I am. Do it as best you can or don't do it at all.
Ok, going to eat. Will leave those pics up for 2 more days then they come down. CIAO!!!!!!!!

I am back from the trip.
The services were pretty good. More for the living than the dead. Went to see my mom. I think my heart was ripped out every time I saw her. Today was the worst. Tore me apart leaving her. I know she was lucid enough to know that me and my sister was there. We made our peace with her knowing that....
what it will mean the next time we are there to see her unless we can somehow make it back across the country to see her before. It sucks seeing the strongest people you ever knew become what they have become. Things that they taught us in one way or the other will always remind us of who they were and what their spirit always will be.I am going to make a memorial for him soon. Mom when it's her turn. She may not be able to say it but you can see that she misses the man that she spent the last 40 plus years living with. We left her with peaceful thoughts though because after we spoke with her she was restful and relaxed. Like she knew that she was loved in the deepest way.

Was funny last night though. Asked her a few times if she wanted anything. She would work out a no sometimes. The I asked if she wanted a beer. She had never touched a lick of alcohol in her life except in cough medicine. She piped up and said YEAH! about laughed my heart out. Then I told her that if she could say my name I would run right out and get her one. Well she was quiet now and then. Dozed off or just get lost in her own mind. Then she shocked Ruth and I when she rolled over and said, "Well, you gonna get me a" and then she lapsed into the fog again. That was unexpected but wonderful at the same time. We told the nurse to see if they can put an order in for a beer. She was going to try.
I want her to have something she never had before if that's what she wanted. Anyhow it was terrible and wonderful at the same time. I so very much want to see her before it's her time. Maybe karma will be nice and let us have that chance. Ya never know.

So, i get a call yesterday evening. Seems that my father died. That morning. Guess I don't rate a call until some one probably thinks, Oh yeah, guess we gotta call him too huh?" That's ok, I can handle all that. Wondering if they will remember to call when my mother dies. Hope I don't get THAT call again for a long time. Anyhow I am dealing. So is my sister. She'll prolly freak when she hears I have this on my profile but so what. Such a great start to the new year.
So many things went wrong. So many things are all F'd up. There are a few shining moments though so I guess that's good huh?

Anyhow I don't know if I am going to write much in here for a while. A lot of things to worry about. Things to do. We will be flying out to cali this next Tuesday..... Not going to like being around those people. But I have to be there for dad's memory. And to see mom again. Have to do that.

Well I am back in Florida. WOO HOO! Well here is this. It was a long trip. I had a great time with my family and that's something I like. My girls are great although they will be the death of me! I did a lot of driving and thinking. Thinking and driving. Lots of both. Alone and having to face myself all that time. I understand somethings better that way and right now I am a better person for it. I met some awesome people on the way. May never see or hear from them again but they were cool and had good things to say. I put a lil over 15,000 miles on the truck on this trip. That's a lot of driving for a vacation to Nevada huh? Well in all those miles I learned that I still have a heart. I still have a lot of love to give. I also have a lot of feelings of hurt and fear but those just have to be dealt with in time. The whole reason I drove was to get over something that happened and I did. And I also came to grips with those things and have moved on. Yes there is still love there. That will never change. Once I fall in love I am in love and there is no going back.
I learned that I also need to stay focused in my future. I was building a future based around someone else and that went to shit in a bucket in a days time. But the future I am going to focus on is one based on ME. on what I want. What will satisfy ME and make ME happy. What happens after that and because of that is anyones guess. I want it to be a future of joy and happiness. I can make that happen for me. The void and emptiness of course has to be filled by another person. Thats the thing I want and I will have it even if I have to climb a damn mountain to get it...lol I also learned that drinking 3 or more pots of coffee does nothing but fill the stomach with coffee and the second that you drink water it all wants to come out again!
I am happy again.
I have people in my life I love dearly. I love them with all my being and I have family that I love too. I care for them all with every fiber in my being. They know who they are so I wont name names. I tell them how I really feel happy with them in my life everyday so they know.I have posted some photos of the trip. Not many. I have a few stories to tell for those that are interested to know. I have many miles under my belt this year and its a great way to start!Ok, Am on my way to the east cost! Am having a great drive. I left Oregon at a great time as they got over 2 feet of snow the day after I left. WHEW

Will be putting pics on line soon on the time I spent with my girls and the trip back. Hope yall have been doing great with out me! Well sometimes you can be let down in many ways. Sometimes you can hope for a tiny shred of something and get a HUGE piece of something beautiful. I got both. I have no regrets. I wouldnt change it for the world. They have their reasons. Life can play some pretty crappy jokes on you but you have to remember that no matter what. No matter how deep the hole and how many people are throwing in dirt...Shrug it off until the hole is filled and then walk right on out..I will post some pics later when I get a better connection. This one is so dang slow it crawls like a dead slug in the summer on a sidewalk.
Ok, in fairness I will take that last part out. Maybe not LOST a friend. But something similar. Still feels like hell but nothing to be done. But they know that I am still here and still ready to lend a hand if needed.
Ok, so things are different now. I have plans. Going to be doing some things that are just for me. Of course some things are going to be kinda stupid but that's a chance I have to take to make it through the next few years. No, don't ask. Besides, I may not sound like I am in my right mind if I told ya.Anyhow, just some things going on that I am not happy about.
A sadness that wont leave. Of course that's something I personally have to deal with probably for the rest of my life but it's one of those things that if it doesn't kill me it only makes me silly. Or something like that.
Dunno...So, this profile is getting longer and longer. I add some every now and then. Only those that are interested will read it all. The rest are just picture looking. That's ok too. Soon I will have some more of those coming in and you all can have a great big laugh at my expense.
Tonight was a very big learning experience. I have come to understand that people are who they are. What you perceive is something that you could never truly understand unless you have seen the other side of the leaf. But that doesn't make you feel any different. Doesn't make you see any clearer. And certainly it will give you a new page to a book that you thought you had finished.
Forgiving someone for hurting you is the first step in many. They are slow. They are painful and they are very difficult. Forgiving yourself should be harder but should pay big. Asking for forgiveness should be the one thing that makes your heart race and makes you feel like throwing up. make your hands shake and make your head spin. Asking for forgiveness is the first step in admitting that you have done something to someone that made them feel just the same.Getting it should make you feel clean and right in only that you have taken your first step in getting back on the path you should have been on in the first place.
When the world is at your throat and you have no where to turn to you feel lost. You feel alone and you feel afraid. You make mistakes. You fall down and you scuff your knee. You think of the things you must do and the things you have to do to survive. The decisions you make may not be the right ones for you and others but at the moment of despair you made them. And have to live with them. And, after words, you look around and find that you had someone there to take your hands. Not carry you through it by themselves but to support you in times of unbalance.
Hold you steady on your path and at times lift you up when you feel like you are sinking.If you have ever felt this way. Had this experience. Lived this or known someone that has remember. The first person to be forgotten about is the one that can help them the most at the worst possible moment in time.
Also know that what you say can and most likely be misunderstood. Or not heard. You may be misjudged and you may even be accused of trying to keep them off balance. But hold on. Stay the course. Even if they aren't your friends, lover, partner, brother or sister after all is said or done you will be remembered later. Maybe not that day. Maybe not that year. But sometime. And they will whisper your name. To themselves. To their friends. To their children and they will smile as a tear creases theirs face. That's the pay off right there.
That's a lesson learned and a lesson passed on. If you have gotten this far on my profile I have to say you must like to read. This is meant to be about the person who owns the profile.
But it's mine and Ill do with it what I will. All those who know me know that I like to write. About feelings. Observations. Ideas. Life and the pursuit of things in it. This profile will either grow or shrink. Depends on my mood and if i want to erase anything on it.I might even post poems on here. Or stuff from other blogs I have. Depends. But if you like what I do then come back often. If you want and I know you I can send you my myspace url and you can read stuff from there. But that's a maybe.