Yes...MORE!

When it really matters
Sometimes there are moments that really matter. Not a birthday. Not a seasonal thing. Just sometimes.
You can make it obvious that there is a certain amount of care that has to be given. Doesnt have to be constant. Doesnt have to be every day.
But when it is obvious that someone needs a little bit of your time.
Just a 30 second call.
Just a simple text message.
Just an email or an IM.
To say hi.
To say that they were on your mind.
To say that you arent forgotten
Or arent being given attention to tide you over.
Sometimes there is a real need for them to be there to just listen.
And sometimes.....
It's too late to start.



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[07 Feb 2008 Thursday]
19:56 - Finaly here!
Ok, tomorrow is the day. Finals and peer review. Feeling good about the finals but the peer review is gonna be a bit tough. Don't know how that's gonna be. I know my stuff so I should be fine. Would still like some luck and some good vibes to come my way.Anyhow will let ya'll know how things go by tomiorrow evening. Ill either be happy as hell or mad as hell. Lol
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[28 Jan 2008 Monday]
13:52 - My Father Is Gone
I lost my father last week. Of course he lived a very long time. All it was is that the doctors said he just gave out. He was worn out. That happens sometimes when you make it to your 90's and had the hard life he had growing up.
Although we were never the closest of people I loved him all the same. He was and will always be my "pops". That old son of a B that gave me hell most of my life but after growing up finding that it was for a good reason.
I was fortunate enough to see that and thank him down the line for it. To have told him that I loved him while he was still coherant. Still able to recognize my face and know my name.
Last time I saw him he was still up and walking, able to do things and take care of himself for the most part. That is what I remember. Still in his home, still on his feet. Still that old guy that just cant sit still and has to be in the thick of it if there is work to be done.
I have many memories of him that are both painful and happy. Never heard him laugh. Only a chuckle. But he had a great sense of humor.
He was kind to people when they needed kindness. He would never fix you problems but he would help you figure out how to fix them. And sometimes he would give you that boost, just enough, to get you over a hump in the road. Never asking for anything in return. Not even asking for a thankyou.
I know that if I had to talk about him I would have a lot to say. Things that would make him a saint or a demon depending how ya look at it. But he was dad. He was pops.
I look a lot like him. I dont know if I sound like him because he was in his 50's when I was born so I never heard a young version of him. But I know that in so many ways I hope that people can say the same good things about me when it's my turn to walk that bright path.
When you ask yourself if you have time to see your parents and you answer no, then think of this...how much time will you have when they are gone? How many times will you be able to see them when they go on without you? How often can you stop by unexpectedly and be there to give them a hug? Take that time now as you may not have it later after they are gone.
Maybe later when it's moms turn to go which may be soon I can sit back and ask myself if I can believe that they are together. Right now I feel that no matter what they will always be together. Alive or dead they were always together. Thats how they will be forever.
This wednesday will be the services. It's not really for him, it's for the living. A way of having closure and an end. A way of saying good by. A way of being with other family when this kind of thing happens. Weather we like the other members or not. But it's important.
So, I will end this now because I have a hard time right now keeping the emotions back and I dont want to have to back space anymore.
Have a great week, tell your family how you feel daily and remind them they are a part of your life good or bad.
And love them anyhow
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[20 Jan 2008 Sunday]
02:07 - just getting back
Ok, so I have been off in the wild blue...errrr...the wild BLACKTOP yonder.
Driving all over the place stopping once in a while to see a friend or to see the sights.
I had a great time. The trip was worth it. The drive out was needed and it did what I had hoped it would do. Bring me back to my ornery self again.
I have a ton of pics and will post them soon.
I know that I had ignored or not communicated with some people well during that time and I am not going to appologise. I made this trip for me. I wanted to be away from almost everything for a while and be me. Be alone with me. I know that people worry and I did my best to at least communicate that Inwas fine during the driving. Some I talked to off and on. Or txt'ed. But the point is that I had made that trip for me and that I didnt really want to be connected to anything for a while. There were times that some people got bothered by the fact that I didnt want to txt...especially while driving. Or that I was not too talkative or that I sounded like I didnt want to talk or txt while I wasnt driving. The trip was to see my daughters too. People finally got the idea and thats good. But now I am back in florida and it's all good now.
I put over 15,000 miles on my truck with this trip. Lots of cool places and adventures. Lots of pics too.
Cool stories and cool things.
I am going to be off to school soon and am trying to study. Boring stuff but I have to.
Anyhow I just wanted to say that I miss all my friends new and not so new. I miss those that know that I love them. Those that know I wish I could be there with you right now too!
LOVE YOU!
Ok it's alte and I want to go to bed.
scram.....




now git I said!





Ok good night!
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[04 Dec 2007 Tuesday]
02:13 - One for the road
Ok, here is something that has me thiking.
The names have been omitted to protect the innocent, guilty or the fact that I dont care if they are known....
Ok, I have been given the chance to have something that I have wanted for a while. It id good. It is awesome. But it is scary as hell everysecond that I have it.
There are things that drive me crazy about it and things that I have seen. I know why some of the things are. Others I dont. And I dont want to know if there is something going on that I am not aware of. Why? Because at the safe distance things are now I know I would break in half. But needless to say that when I see them I still get confused and curious as hell.
But I will not try and find out. As they say. Curiosity...etc. etc.
I am getting ready to head out on the road. Going to nevada to see my babies. I see them a few weeks a year. So I am happy as hell to see them.
I will be taking lots of pics and posting them as I take them.
I feel that I need this trip more than to just to see my children. Yes, they are the wonderful thing sin my life that make it all worth it. But I need to do something that is a focus. A road trip. Thats what I need. Feelings are still there. They hurt. They burn. But in the end I am sure I will I will benefit from this long drive. Making me think in a new way. Head clear. Thoughts are all in sequence for a change.
If you know me well enough to have my number call me now and then. I would lve to hear from you. Maybe tell you what I am doing or seeing. Would be nice. I think I will go to the grand canyon. Nver been there in the winter and if they have snow then I will be happy to see it. If not then I will pass it by.
But I am going on this trip just as much for me as I am for my kids. Those ornery, blond haired, green eyed lil monsters!
Anyhow. I am outa here!

CIAO!




you can go now




Ok, I said git!




yer still here?




Why?




Get a life now!




lol




this is funny




you are still reading




lalalala




impressed yet?





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[02 Dec 2007 Sunday]
12:38 - Standing in the dark
Standing in the dark
The years roll by
Taking a chance to reach the sun light
And asking myself why
Then a hand comes to me, gentle and strong
Pulling me out, doing me no wrong
I feel the warmth and I breath the summer air
playing in the light, without a single care
Then a cloud rolls in, cold and un-yielding
Blotting out the sun, the darkness unveiling
Back to the shadows, i go cold and damaged
feeling like a trauma, feeling ravaged
A few glimpses of hope. a sun spot there and here
But in the shadows, I still have that fear
Then the hand disapears, no reason or rhym
All i have left is emptiness and time
Again I walk alone in the darkness of the night. Feelings that are like fire avoiding the light. I try to make it on my own and to do this I have to be cold. Now I am weary, tired and old.
Love I think should be a story, told to children before bed. To bring fear to their hearts and the taste of dread.
Man is not meant to be be one or two for that matter. His life is like a shadow, in the light his heart may shatter.
As I lay down at night and think of someone I loved. I fight back the tears because I know that in my heart I will always walk the shadows, standing in the dark.
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[01 Dec 2007 Saturday]
20:26 - Just a tad confused
Sometimes I dont know why some people do the things they do. One reason is because it's a secret. And I have no proble with that. People have a right to privacy.
But sometimes there are things that really need to be said. To help someone understand. To help someone let go. To help someone see it in a differant light. Doesnt matter the reason.
At times like that it amkes you want to just say to hell with it. Walk away. Would make it easier. Maybe thats what they are trying to get you to do. Give you a chance to walk away on your own. A chance to make the decision on your own.
Well it should have to be that way. I for one am pretty damn smart. Sometimes too smart for my own liking. But I know one thing. All I ever want is all the information that pertains to a decision I have to make and then let me make that decision.
And my statement still rings true:
DISTANCE/SEPERATION DOES NOT MAKE THE HEART GROW FONDER. IT JUST MAKES IT EASIER TO STAY DISTANT.
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[30 Nov 2007 Friday]
23:03 - Hada great week down south
Ok, I went down to southern florida. It was a blast and had a great time. Wont go into detail but ti was awesome.
I got a chance to rest and relax. I turned off my phones. I left the computer and internet behind and just had fun for me. I was able to clear my head and do some thinking.
I have been able to clear things up in my head a lot.
Sometimes you are willing to put aside a lot of what other do for the sake of a chance to have something. Sometimes you even are willing to take a huge risk. Risks based on nothing at all. Based on no information. Based on a hope. A hope based on no firm information and a hope that is riding the razors edge of absolute nothing and absolute possibilities. You are sometimes ready to give up the proverbial bird in the hand for the 2 in the bush and the bush is several dozen yards away with a fence in between.
Sometimes you are willing to go out of your way for a just a few minutes. Or at least the possibility of a few minutes of conversation face to face.
Why?
Love?
Desire?
Desperation?
Confusion?
Stupidity?
Maybe it is all these things mixed into one all stored in a huge box marked weakness.
Sometimes people do things that are completely off the wall and un-inteligible reason. Reasons that are only clear to the person doing them. The only part of it all that really really can cause the hurt or the pain that can last a life time is the lack of information. The lack of commited replies. The lack insinsarity OR the lack or willingness to be more open.
Maybe there are reasons that someone would not want to be more open about themselves. Maybe they dont know that the truth, or the real situation or just plain openess hurts a lot less and a lot shorter than a lie, or not a lie but just not telling everything. Or being open and real about whats going on with them.
Sometimes you can tell that something is not right. Sometimes the other person is screaming out what they want you to know but cant, just CANT tell you. For what ever reason.
Well if thats how things are. If you just CANT say it. Put your thoughts down on paper. Or wrte a lteer on the computer. Organize them. Shape them to say what you really have to say. Shape them into something that is honest and free of inhibitions. Write it out so that there is no mistaking anything. No grey area. Nothing that can be mistaken. Most imnportant. Tell it from the heart.
And mean it.
The worst part of trying to help someone is trying to be nice and let them down easy or holding them up just enough to get by. Reality may hurt but the fall is a whole lot shorter.
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[17 Nov 2007 Saturday]
23:43 - Just...something
Tonight was a very big learning experience. I have come to understand that people are who they are. What you percieve is something that you could never truely understand unless you have seen the other side of the leaf. But that doesnt make you feel any differant. Doesnt make you see any clearer. And certainly it will give you a new page to a book that you thought you had finished.
Forgiving someone for hurting you is the first step in many. They are slow. They are painful and they are very dificult. Forgiving yourself should be harder but should pay big. Asking for forgiveness should be the one thing that makes your heart race and makes you feel like throwing up. make your hands shake and make your head spin. Asking for forgivness is the first step in admitting that you have done something to someone that made them feel just the same.
Getting it should make you feel clean and right in only that you have taken your first step in getting back on the path you should have been on in the first place.
When the world is at your throught and you have no where to turn to you feel lost. You feel alone and you feel affraid. You make mistakes. You fall down and you scuff your knee. You think of the things you must do and the things you have to do to survive. The decisions you make may not be the right ones for you and others but at the moment of dispare you made them. And have to live with the. And, sfter words, you look around and find that you had someone there to take your hands. Not carry you through it by themselves but to support you in times of unbalance. Hold you steady on your path and at times lift you up when you feel like you are sinking.
If you have ever felt this way. Had this experience. Lived this or known someone that has remember. The first person to be forgotten about is the one that can help them the most at the worst possible moment in time.
Also know that what you say can and most likely be misunderstood. Or not heard. You may be misjudged and you may even be accused of trying to keep them off balance. But hold on. Stay the course. Even if they arent your friends, lover, partner, brother or sister after all is said or done you will be remembered later. Maybe not that day. Maybe not that year. But sometime. And they will whisper your name. To themselves. To their friends. To their children and they will smile as a tear creases theirs face. Thats the pay off right there. Thats a lesson learned and a lesson passed on.
If you have gotten this far on my profile I have to say you must like to read. This is meant to be about the person who owns the profile. But it's mine and Ill do with it what I will.
All those who know me know that I like to write. About feelings. Observations. Ideas. Life and the pursuit of things in it. This profile will either grow or shrink. Depends on my mood and if i want to erase anything on it.

Ok, I am done. BYE